First off, I know I said I’d make this blog unisex, so gentleman: feel free to mentally after this post to “Five things you must carry in your … pockets”? Unless you do in fact carry a purse, in which case, I don’t judge.

The first item is gum. Seriously, it can be a real lifesaver. Not even just for yourself, but say, that chatty kid in second block whose breath smells like a turd.

Next, perfume and/or cologne. Beware of BO. We’ve all those woke-up-late-forgot-deodorant kinda days, don’t lie.

Third: lip balm. I beg you, please either make the pilgrimage to Wal-Mart and get yourself some chapstick or put a bag over your face because I cannot bear to look at any more crusty lips this winter.

Fourth is emergency money. You never know when you’ll need a few bucks: lunch money, Catty Shack necessities … bribery?

Most importantly: lady items. I don’t understand why some girls insist on carrying their feminine products in “discrete” maxi pad-shaped wallets. Oh please, you’re not fooling anyone. We know there’s no money in that wallet. Toss your tampons in your purse: your real purse, not this maxi pad wallet business, and carry your tampons with pride (as for gentleman readers, bloody noses happen, right? You can be proactive).

If you don’t carry a purse at all, your problems are beyond me. Sorry.